There I was knee deep in a rice paddy...

I really shouldn’t be alive.

There I was knee deep in a rice paddy… This was my preferred start to this posting and although I do enjoy rice I have never nor do I ever desire to wade knee deep into a rice paddy. The more I think about it the less and less I am inclined to ever eat rice again. I mean it’s stagnate water laced with water buffalo turds. My luck I would develop some type of jungle rot and my leg would fall off. Once again I digress.

This topic came up as I was talking to the geek. Not a geek. The geek. (If you don't know who "The Geek" is be sure and stop by here: heatherdobson.blogspot.com Ironicly she has a post about being a Super Geek) She had come to the conclusion that little boys regularly endanger themselves by placing themselves in hi-risk situations. I concurred that this was indeed correct. It will however stop some where in the mid to late thirties when you discover that you in fact are not bullet proof and your body can not heal it’s self like Wolverine.

As it so happens every morning is now an adventure. I never know what bodily harm I have done to myself simply by sleeping. This confuses the male species. After enduring all manner of accidents in my younger years that would no doubt kill me now in my forties, I just can’t wrap my head around the fact that I can wake up in the morning and not be able to straighten out my back. What did I do? Am I sleep walking? Did I climb up on my house fall off the roof and bounce of the hood of my emasculating mini van only to land flat on my back on the concrete? Did I do all this and some how make my way back to bed only to wake with debilitating injuries? If this happened to me when I was eighteen the worst that would happen is I would get the wind knocked out of me. I would catch my breath get up go home and have three bowls of Bryers vanilla ice cream and be back to normal.
Now if I have three bowls of Ice cream I’m trapped for three days in the bathroom with my beloved lactose intolerance. Meanwhile my body transforms that good ol ice cream fat into a protective covering for my once hardened abs.

So as I sit here thinking about all the many injuries to my body in younger days I am amazed that I am still here. Let me just list a tiny bit of the potentially deadly injuries I accrued.

•Electrocuted by lightning (Yes really)
•Numerous bicycle accidents (I’m talking big time no helmet, no pads)
•Knocked out numerous times
•Broke 5 ribs playing tackle football no pads
•Broke the same 5 ribs playing street hockey no pads
•Broke the same 5 ribs again jumping a bicycle
•Broke the same 5 ribs jumping a motorcycle
•Ran over by two different cars at two different times (Honestly)
•Burnt my hair eyebrows and nose hairs breathing fire (But it was cool)
•Singed my eyebrows off making home made explosives
•Nearly shot on three separate occasions (But that’s another blog)
•Crashed through a second story window and landed on asphalt
•Had my leg slashed open with a straight razor and got 15 stitches
•Broke my hand and elbow flipping a mountain bike
•Slashed my middle finger open and had to get stitches again
•Had a toothpick stabbed in the side of my hand an inch deep
•Fell backwards off a 15 foot wall landed on my back on the concrete
•Went Dukes of Hazard in my Jeep and drove over the top of a 1976 Grand prix and then drove through a billboard
•Rolled a VW Bus
•Fell out of a bunk bed and landed head first on a tile floor
•Fell off a roof
•Was launched out of a waterslide and went over the side and flew 30 feet through the air (I have 20 witnesses)
• Thrown off the back of an angry cow
• My personal favorite – I ran over myself with the three wheeler I was driving

So these are just a few of the accidents and injuries I’ve collected over the years. Don’t worry Moms if your little boy makes it to 30 he should be fine.

JB